Mann's Generation Mann's Origin
by A. Mann
Summary: Introducing Ensign Mann, newly assigned to the Enterprise to get on Picard's nerves, annoy Riker, and ultimately kill Spot and Wesley. Set during TNG season 3.


Hi, I've been writing stories for a couple of years and finally decided to put them on fanfiction. The character, Richard Mann is a command officer on the Enterprise, having some light hearted adventures, and sometimes sorting out some of the parts of the TNG series that go unmentioned, like Spot's sudden changes in gender. Mann is an average looking person with features that sometimes make his looks resemble two famous Starfleet figures…

**Star Trek Mann's Generation, **

**Mann's Origin, seasons one and three.**

* * *

Cadet's Log Stardate…I'm on Earth, Saturday twenty fifth of this month. It's finally graduation time, I'm a little older than the others but that's because I've been working for Starfleet Intel, and haven't had the chance to attend graduation. I hear we're getting two special guests this year. I'm off to the reception now.

* * *

In a room lots of people are in uniforms and dress uniforms, cadets and admirals. One man in a cadet dress uniform walks over to Greg Quinn.

Quinn: Ah, the about to be Ensign Mann, I would like you to meet our special guests, why here they come.

Picard and Tasha Yar walk in and head to Quinn

Quinn: Jean Luc.

Picard: Admiral, so glad to see…ah, Yeoman, where's the earl grey?

Quinn: It's on the rear table, this is not a Yeoman, it's Officer Mann. Richard Mann.

Mann: So glad to meet you.

Yar: Hiya Mann.

Picard: She's mine like Troi is Riker's! Sod what Data thinks.

Quinn picks up a tray from a nearby table.

Quinn: Turkey sandwich?

Mann: Oh yes. Love sandwiches.

Yar: You look older than the others.

Mann: Yes, I've been working in Intel. Can't tell you what though, or I'll have to kill you.

Yar chuckles, Picard pulls out his tricorder and looks at it and fiddles with it.

Picard (mumbling): Yeah that can be arranged…

Beeping…tricorder lights up.

Turkey sandwiches start flying from around the room, and a large turkey from another table rises up and Mann is bombarded with turkey sandwiches and a real turkey.

Mann later wakes in the academy infirmary. Quinn is also there.

Mann: What happened? I don't remember much past turk…what's that pain for?

Quinn: You had a heart attack and I'd be glad not to mention what happened.

Mann: Fine.

* * *

Two years later…

Captain's Log, I recently had a nightmare about a man that I met two years ago. Instead of recruiting him, I recruited Ensign Mm. At least he didn't have a full thick set of hair. I have this nightmare every time the next batch of officers comes aboard, every year I worry Starfleet will force him on me… My fish Pinky believes I should outsmart Starfleet, so I did, and I requested the officer I have avoided for so long, he did visit us during our first Borg encounter, I tried to get rid of him but he was not one of the unlucky eighteen.

* * *

Later in a transporter room Picard is standing ready to greet his new batch of officers.

An Ensign in yellow is at the console and holding a live turkey.

Picard: Energise.

Some people beam in. One is Mann, in a spandex red uniform with an Ensign pin.

Mann: TURKEY! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKK!

The man/Mann falls down.

Picard: Got 'im.

* * *

Later in the ready room, Mann is in a two-piece uniform standing at the desk, Picard is sitting behind it.

Mann: Ensign Mann, reporting sir.

Picard: At ease…

Picard: MANN!

Mann: You said 'at ease'.

Picard: You know what? You're right…aaaaaaah.

Mann: What d'you mean you haven't… eeeeeeeeewwww… I see.

Picard starts laughing.

Mann: I knew I didn't burp, what was it?

Picard stands up and walks to his fish tank.

The fish is present in full view.

Picard: This is my dearest friend, Pinky.

The fish speaks with a mix of Geordi La Forge, and Eddie Murphy when loud kind of voice.

Pinky: Hi. It was me. See all the bubbles?

Picard: Well, now you've met Pinky, you can get out of my ready room. Your quarters are on deck 8 somewhere… It's all in the PADD on my desk. You are chief PADD carrier and also part-time helmsman. If that's all…

Mann: Mann actually.

Picard: What?

Mann: Your log earlier.

Picard: We'll see about that. I know that the mention of a certain poultry gives your brain an excuse to give you a heart attack, because of a traumatic experience you had involving…that particular poultry…so chose your words carefully.

* * *

An hour later, Mann has returned, Picard is leaning over his desk reading his computer console, specifically the log he made earlier…

Picard: You're right, so how can you hear spellings?

Mann: No idea.

Picard: How did you know about my log?

Mann: That's a mystery.

Data to Picard, incoming message from Admiral Hotta Kio.

Picard: In here on my monitor please.

An old woman in an Admiral uniform appears on the monitor.

Woman: Huh? Last time I saw you in that position I ended up with five kids, would you know anything about that?

Picard: I have company…

Woman: Do they know about the kids?

Picard: please not now, I'm with someone…

Woman: Other person, come here!

Mann walks behind Picard.

Woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! That explains Picard's posture! You were about to…

Mann: Your mind wanders far too much you old hag.

Picard: MANN! Mind your manners!

Mann: You old hag, sir. And thanks for saying 'manners', some people take the second N out to annoy me…

Woman: That's better. I was going to say that you were about to hack at his boils. He tricks all of his new recruits into treating his anal medical conditions because his doctors refuse, boils, warts, even some chocolate he sat on…Now, Captain, I need you to get to the outpost on Sierra Six.

Mann and Picard with a tad of loud senility: WE HAVE TO GET TO THE NEUTRAL ZONE!

Picard: Mann, get in there, shove the pilot of his chair, and take over, take the PADD with you for later reference.

Mann: Aye sir. Pinky.

Pinky: BYE!

Mann storms on to the bridge.

* * *

Riker is standing in front of Troi looking angry at Mann and watching as he proceeds to shove Wesley off his chair and into the wall, before sitting and plotting a course.

Riker smiles and bumbles over to Mann, he puts his leg on to the support of the console in that way that he does.

Mann: What's that smell?

Riker: Classified.

Mann engages the course.

Wesley stands up and walks over.

Wesley: I can take over from here Ensign.

Mann: No.

Wesley: I am an acting Ensign.

Mann: Firstly, your acting leaves much to be desired. Secondly, I am an actual Mann, so as the old Brits used to say, do one.

Riker: You heard the man, take a walk Wesley.

Mann: Mann actually.

Troi: I sense anger, and stupidity, and floral essence.

Mann: I can't explain the anger or floral essence, and neither can Riker.

Troi: Wesley.

Wesley: I'm going to tell my Mom.

Wesley runs out pathetically.

* * *

Later in Ten Forward, Mann is at the bar, a woman with a massive hat comes over.

Mann: OW!

Guinan: Sorry, big hat.

Mann: You remind me of a nun I met once.

Guinan: Nun?

Mann: Yeah, surrounded in booze.

Guinan: You are?

Mann: Ensign Mann, and you?

Guinan: I am Guinan, I tend bra, and I glisten.

Mann: What?

Guinan: Sorry, I accidentally swallowed some of Riker's pink juice, it's exclusive to him, so I wanted to try it. Tastes awful.

Mann: I bet. I met the Captain, Pinky, Riker, Wesley, and another woman.

Guinan: Troi?

Mann: Troi eh?

Riker suddenly appears to be holding Mann in the air by his collar.

Mann: AAAAAAA!

Riker: Don't mention her name! Don't ever meet with her without my permission!

Mann: Can I get you a drink?

Riker: Pink juice.

At a table in the corner later, Mann and Riker sit.

Mann: What's the deal with Troi?

Riker: I'm not over her, she keeps going after younger men who haven't been 'round a whole ship. I can't get her to marry me so I'll keep quiet and slowly monitor and eliminate the opposition. Don't tell a soul that I showed you of all people my soft side.

Mann: Ok. I'm young, a real achiever, attractive if I say so myself, but she's too old for me. I'm a Mann, not a middle aged pink juice drin…I mean, I'm joking, I understand.

Riker: Good, now stay away from Troi!

Mann: Ok.

Troi walks in.

Riker: I SAID STAY AWAY!

Mann: Ok!

Mann leaves.

* * *

Mann's Log, we're at the neutral zone, after exchanging goods with a nearby outpost, we've got plenty of French cheese to eat… I hate the French as a matter of personal taste, and I hate their cheese because it's rude and arrogant.

* * *

On the bridge everyone is at their posts, Mann is at the helm, Wesley is at Science.

Mann: Data, is it me or is the cheese giving people gas?

Data: I have detected a large increase in anal gaseous forms.

Mann: Two Wesleys?

Data: No.

Picard: I need to…

BOOM!

Picard: Sorry, it's that awfully rude cheese…

POW!

Extra: OUCH!

Comm: LA FORGE TO BRIDGE! I GOTTA GAS LEAK DOWN HERE!

Picard: Piccadullafuj, I don't care.

Data's chair explodes in Troi's direction, she screams as the cloud wafts over her.

Data: Anal overload!

Picard: Red…

POW! BOOM!

Picard: OUCH! I can't stop breaking wind… Red Aler…

PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRP!

Riker: Red Alert!

Mann: This is ridiculous.

Picard: What stops cheese?

Mann's console beeps.

(Imagine the music from 'The Defector' where the Warbird approaches.)

Mann: Sensors detecting a Romulan Warbird crossing into Federation space and closing on us…

Picard: SHIELDS U…

PAAAAAAAAAARRRRRPPPPP!

Picard: AAA!

Data: They are charging weapons.

Worf: This is worse than dealing with Klingons… the cheese I mean…

POW!

Wesley: WORF! That stained my suit.

Mann: Hailing…

Romulan: Federation ship Enterprise, I understand you acquired some cheese, could you perhaps use some assistance?

Picard continually farting: Yes, we need some help!

Romulan: Just give us your ship, and you can have the cure for the… thing in the cheese.

Picard: Deal.

Mann: Wait!

* * *

Mann runs down to ten forward.

Mann runs over to Guinan at the bar who has some cheese on a plate, Mann tricorders it.

Mann: So that's what they put in it…

Guinan: What?

Mann: I'll just go back to the bridge in a rush because it's more dramatic to ignore you… just kidding. They've just put in some extra prunes.

Guinan: In cheese?

Mann: Yep, and some cabbage, a hypospray can pull those out of the body easily. As long as everyone stops eating cheese.

* * *

On the bridge, Picard squats over his chair.

Picard: I'm gonna let rip! All hands abandon ship!

Riker: No!

Mann runs in with a hypospray.

Mann: This will extract the explosive elements, and neutralise others.

Mann zaps everyone, Picard last.

Picard: Ah, better… Ah ha!

He stands up and straightens his jumper.

Picard: I feel fantastic! Alright you Romulan… erm… help me out here…

Mann: Git?

Picard: Alright you Romulan git! That cheese has cleaned me out and now I'm on top of the world…

Romulan: I don't believe you

Picard: Come 'ere and say it to my face!

Mann: And take the coat hanger out of your uniforms while you're at it. You Romulans are in crisis, a fashion crisis.

Picard: Worf, phasers, Data, send them some of that cheese.

Mann: I'll set this hypo on release, then gaseous prunes will fill them all up. It's very concentrated.

Data: Ready.

Worf: Their shields are down.

Data: Energising.

Mann quickly lets go of the hypo as it beams out.

If this cheese is so good, then I'll try some… PICARD YOU TRICKED ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Data: I am reading gaseous releases all over their ship.

Picard: Get out my sector.

The Warbird flies away.

* * *

Captain's Log, while we dealt with the Romulans quickly, the fact remains I was betrayed by the cheese of my own people… I GAVE SOME TO PINKY!

* * *

Picard runs to his ready room.

Pinky: JONNY!

Picard: Pinky!

Pinky: Reset my tank filter to take away the bubbles!

Picard runs to the tank and tricorders it, bubbles disappear.

Pinky: Few.

Picard: I harmed you, neglected you… I feel awful.

Picard jumps to his knees and joins his hands as if praying.

Picard shouting: PLEEEEEAAASSSE! FOR-GIVE MEEEE!

Pinky: Ok.

* * *

Mann is in his quarters later, they look like Riker's but aren't.

Mann is sitting at the desk.

Classical music blasts through the wall.

Mann: Great, a bloody noisy neighbour! Computer, mute their music.

The noise cuts out.

Muffled voice: Who in the bloody world turned off my music! Who? Damn them!

Thud.

Mann: Oops.

Door chime.

Mann: Come on in.

Picard storms in.

Mann: You're my neighbour?

Picard: You're my neighbour?

Mann: This is worse than living by a guy who likes cats!

Picard: What are you working on that was so important as to disrupt Mozart?

Mann: Plotting to block Geordi's visor so he can't see. Kind of a practical joke.

Picard: Actually, that is good, can I assist?

* * *

First Officer Riker's Lorg, it didn't work, assigning Mann to Picard's section only made them closer.

* * *

A session with Counselor Troi...

Troi is on the couch, Mann is standing in the doorway.

Mann: Sorry Lieutenant Commander Troi, I can't have a session or Riker will kill me.

Troi: No he won't, come on in.

Mann sits on the chair in front of the couch.

Troi: So, tell me about your first day.

Mann: Not too bad. It was very fast, unusual for me.

Troi: Still, very big events for a first day.

Mann: Certainly.

Troi: More.

Mann: Well I got to jab loads of people, I felt accepted by the end of that little adventure.

One wall wabbles and thuds.

Mann: What was that? Not another Warbird I hope…

Troi: Ignore it, open your mind and carry on, it'll help you join in.

Riker smashes through the doors.

Riker: WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE? I HEARD EVERY WORD! I WARNED YOU MAN!

Mann: MANN ACTUALLY!

Riker advances.

Mann: And lose some weight! You've doubled since I last saw you two years ago. I hope you didn't eat Tasha's remains.

Riker suddenly breaks into tears.

Troi: Looks like you need some counseling Will.

Riker cries and sits by Troi as Mann quickly and quietly runs out.

* * *

Mann is in bed later in the dark.

Mann: Who's there?

Lights come on, Riker is at the end of the bed holding a phaser.

Mann: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-GASP-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DON'T KILL ME!

Riker: No, I was just gonna drop off your side arm. I feel bad about before. I know what you said was provoked and I know Tasha did mean something to you, so I'm sorry for interrupting the counseling session, I just acted with jealousy, it was selfish.

Riker puts the phaser on a cabinet and walks out.

Mann: Thank you Commander… Looks like all is well.

Data walks in.

Data: Commander Riker recently suggested I follow his example if I wanted to be first officer one day. I understand you once talked to Tasha?

Mann: Oh no…

* * *

Captain's log, My neighbour was recently verbally assaulted by a crazy robot. I don't care because it's time for my tea…

* * *

Mann: Space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of the starship Enterprise, its continuing mission, now with me on board, to boldly go where no Mann has gone before…But I'm certain the missions will get better, and there will be more clarity.


End file.
